Escaping the Closets of Our Own Making

In honor of World Pride Month, which culminates this weekend here in New York City with the NYC Pride March, I wanted to bring a touch of gay sensibility to Persephone Rising, and I found the perfect piece for you. Ash Beckham gave a fantastic TED Talk in 2013 that, though cloaked in a theme of coming out as a gay person, has an undeniable universal theme. She writes, “At some point in our lives, we all live in closets, and they may feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live.” 

I personally have inhabited a few closets myself, enough so that I semi-jokingly tell people that my first book will be titled, The Beautiful Room is Empty but My Closets are Full. In any event, I thought this would be a nice tribute to the LGBTQ+ community, as well as all the other closet dwellers out there.


We're All Hiding Something — Let's Find the Courage to Open Up

By Ash Beckham
(TEDxBoulder, September 2013)

I'm going to talk to you tonight about coming out of the closet, and not in the traditional sense, not just the gay closet. I think we all have closets. Your closet may be telling someone you love her for the first time, or telling someone that you're pregnant, or telling someone you have cancer, or any of the other hard conversations we have throughout our lives. All a closet is is a hard conversation, and although our topics may vary tremendously, the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal. It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done. 

Several years ago, I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe, a local diner in town, and during my time there I would go through phases of militant lesbian intensity: not shaving my armpits, quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel. And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts and how recently I had shaved my head, the question would often be sprung on me, usually by a little kid: 

Um, are you a boy or are you a girl? 

And there would be an awkward silence at the table. I'd clench my jaw a little tighter, hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance. The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid. But I would say nothing, and I would seethe inside. And it got to the point where every time I walked up to a table that had a kid anywhere between three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight. 

And that is a terrible feeling. So I promised myself, the next time, I would say something. I would have that hard conversation. 

So within a matter of weeks, it happens again. 

Are you a boy or are you a girl? 

Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready, and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101 on this table. I've got my Betty Friedan quotes. I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes. I've even got this little bit from Vagina Monologues I'm going to do. So I take a deep breath and I look down and staring back at me is a four-year-old girl in a pink dress, not a challenge to a feminist duel, just a kid with a question: Are you a boy or are you a girl? 

So I take another deep breath, squat down next to her, and say, Hey, I know it's kind of confusing. My hair is short like a boy's, and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl, and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress, and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies? Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl. 

And this kid looks me dead in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, My favorite pajamas are purple with fish. Can I get a pancake, please?

And that was it. Just, Oh, okay. You're a girl. How about that pancake? 

It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had. And why? Because Pancake Girl and I, we were both real with each other. 

So like many of us, I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah, most often, my walls happened to be rainbow. But inside, in the dark, you can't tell what color the walls are. You just know what it feels like to live in a closet. So really, my closet is no different than yours or yours or yours. Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but here's the thing: Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Who can tell me that explaining to someone you've just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five-year-old you're getting a divorce? There is no harder, there is just hard.

We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard. At some point in our lives, we all live in closets, and they may feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live. 

So imagine yourself 20 years ago. Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress, and high-heeled shoes. I was not the militant lesbian ready to fight any four-year-old that walked into the cafe. I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet clutching my gay grenade, and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever done. My family, my friends, complete strangers — I had spent my entire life trying to not disappoint these people, and now I was turning the world upside down on purpose. I was burning the pages of the script we had all followed for so long, but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you. 

One of my most memorable grenade tosses was at my sister's wedding. It was the first time that many in attendance knew I was gay, so in doing my maid of honor duties, in my black dress and heels, I walked around to tables and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends, folks that had known me for years. And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out, I love Nathan Lane! 

And the battle of gay relatability had begun. 

  • Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?
  • Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco. 
  • Well, we've never been there but we've heard it's fabulous. 
  • Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio? He's really good and he has never talked about a girlfriend. 
  • Ash, what's your favorite TV show? Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace. 
  • And you know who we love? Jack. Jack is our favorite. 
  • And then one woman, stumped but wanting so desperately to show her support, to let me know she was on my side, she finally blurted out, Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts.

And I had a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do. I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table and mock their responses, chastise their unworldliness and their inability to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I had brought with me, or I could empathize with them and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done, that starting and having that conversation was them coming out of their closets.

Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they fell short. It's a lot harder to meet them where they are and acknowledge the fact that they were trying. And what else can you ask someone to do but try? If you're going to be real with someone, you gotta be ready for real in return. 

So hard conversations are still not my strong suit. Ask anybody I have ever dated. But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call the three Pancake Girl principles. Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses, but know what it takes to come out of any closet is essentially the same. 

Number One: 

Be authentic. Take the armor off. Be yourself. That kid in the cafe had no armor, but I was ready for battle. If you want someone to be real with you, they need to know that you bleed too. 

Number Two:

Be direct. Just say it. Rip the Band-Aid off. If you know you are gay, just say it. If you tell your parents you might be gay, they will hold out hope that this will change. Do not give them that sense of false hope. 

Number Three:

And most important — Be unapologetic. You are speaking your truth. Never apologize for that. And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way, so sure, apologize for what you've done, but never apologize for who you are. And yeah, some folks may be disappointed, but that is on them, not on you. Those are their expectations of who you are, not yours. That is their story, not yours. The only story that matters is the one that you want to write.

So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. And you may feel so very alone, but you are not. And we know it's hard but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of, because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyholes of their closets looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open, so be that person and show the world that we are bigger than our closets and that a closet is no place for a person to truly live.”


And with that, I wish you all a lovely Pride Weekend! 


Cooking for Joan

Since I’m on a Pride theme this week, I thought why not offer you a perfect dish that could be served at any Gay Pride festivity — a rainbow recipe! Not only is this dish Pride-appropriate, it’s also a tasty salad for any occasion — plus it’s beautiful to boot. I’m making this for my lunch next Monday…yum!  

Rainbow Salad with Peanut Vinaigrette


Prep Time: 20 min | Cook Time: 5 min | Makes: 3 | Difficulty: Easy


Rainbow Salad:

  • 1 and 1/4 cups fresh white corn kernels (one ear of corn)
  • 1 cup frozen shelled edamame
  • 3 cups shredded red cabbage
  • 2 cups shredded carrots
  • 1 cup blueberries
  • 2 cups mixed greens
  • 1/2 large red pepper, sliced
  • 1/2 pound chicken breast, shredded
  • 1 green onion, finely chopped

Peanut Vinaigrette:

  • 1 and 1/2 TBS creamy peanut butter
  • 5 tsp rice vinegar
  • 5 tsp water
  • 1/2 tsp sesame oil
  • 2 tsp honey
  • 1/2 tsp onion powder
  • 1/2 tsp garlic powder
  • pinch of salt
  • pinch of cayenne pepper


Place the corn in a microwave-safe bowl with a tiny pinch of salt.

Cook it in the microwave for 45 seconds.

Stir the corn and continue cooking it at 30-second increments until the corn starts to turn yellow.

Place the edamame in a microwave-safe bowl and cook for 1 minute.

Stir the edamame and cook the edamame at 30-second intervals until they are thoroughly warm.

Let the corn and edamame cool for 5 minutes before mixing it in the salad.

Mix all the ingredients for the rainbow salad in a large bowl.

Mix all the peanut vinaigrette ingredients together in a small container. 

Pour it into the salad and mix well.

Refrigerate any leftovers in an airtight container. 

bon appétit!

Categories: Relationships - Personal Interactions , Change - Challenges

Tags: life coach , certified life coach , life coaching , TED Talks , World Pride 2019 , coming out of the closet , gay acceptance , Pride themes , Ash Beckham , taking positive action , LGBTQ+ issues , LGBTQ+ themes , Pride recipes , World Pride recipes , rainbow recipes